By Sophia Godkin PhD
Responsible, hard-working, and ambitious with an insatiable curiosity and drive for success and accuracy– these are just a few of the characteristics that the Crusader HealthType is well known for. Less well known are the ways that this impressive mind-body type thrives when it comes to the experiences that precede, include, and follow romantic love.
Welcome to ‘The Crusader: In Dating, In Sex, and In Love’, where we unpack the details of how this mind-body type thinks, acts, and operates in dating, sex, and love.
To get the most out of this ongoing series, read about your own HealthType and also about the HealthType of someone you know and love, whether platonically or romantically. You will learn the differences and similarities in how you define and experience dating, sex, and love and will be equipped with a necessary understanding that will allow you to prevent or solve problems that might arise, all the while developing your emotional and social intelligence.
Don’t yet know your HealthType? Click here to find out in 3 minutes flat.
Single? Not a problem.
Some people feel uneasy when they’re single, always keeping an eye out for that potential mate, yearning to ward off that pitiful glance members of society traditionally give you as they say, “Why you don’t have a boyfriend/ girlfriend…” But not you, Crusader. You are absolutely fine being single. You don’t really need anyone. And in your mind, if there’s anything that’s pitiful, it’s needing another person to satisfy the needs that you can easily accomplish on your own.
You are self-driven, self-sufficient, and you’ve got a lot that you want to accomplish in this life. At times this means that you put dating on the back burner for all the other activities that drive you, often saying “I just don’t have enough time for dating.” (Note: Only 10% of Crusaders given our questionnaire on Dating, Sex, and Love returned a completed questionnaire, compared to 50-80% of other types). Ultimately though, you are open to a long-term romantic relationship if someone who meets your high standards– and who can propel you to your greatest goals and for whom you can do the same– comes along.
Until that person– usually with similar interests and a similarly independent nature (see ‘It’s gotta make sense’ below)– comes along and convinces you that spending time with them is better than spending time alone, you will continue to fly solo, focus on yourself, and not prioritize or “waste time” on dating.
It’s gotta make sense.
Just as with everything in your life, your selection of a romantic partner is a logical endeavor, and you have a good mental idea of the type of person you want to enter into a relationship with. The question that guides the selection process for you isn’t “will this relationship lead to love?” (as it might be for a Connector or Diplomat) but “will this relationship be useful to me?”
Whereas a Connector or Activator may fall for someone hard and fast, you will take your time, pay careful attention, and use your natural logic when deciding whether to date and whether to love. It’s got to make sense for you and most importantly, it’s got to enhance, not detract from, your ability to accomplish your goals. You are logical, practical, independent, intellectual, and efficient and will appreciate someone with similar qualities.
It’s likely that you have a vast thirst for knowledge so someone whose intellect and curiosity matches yours, who also loves sharing intellectual ideas, might be a great match for you. When dating, you are usually looking for someone who is independent, who won’t need a lot of your time and attention, and who therefore won’t infringe on your independence. Given your strong self-reliance, smothering or neediness isn’t something that you will respond well to.
Your actions are logical, not emotional.
You operate mostly from a logical perspective, using your mind to dictate your life. The objective data you gather with your mind gives you everything you need to make decisions and take actions that will enhance your likelihood of accomplishing your goals and realizing success. Feelings– well, they aren’t easily understood with the mind, so when you bring your action into interaction, which in the context of dating can be full of feeling and emotion, you may find yourself in unfamiliar territory.
Some Crusaders are not in tune with the feelings of those around them while others can be somewhat in tune, but that won’t mean that they’ll want to talk about or focus on feelings anyway. The closer you are to the “not in tune” end of the Crusader spectrum and the less you’ve been exposed to the world of emotions through your past experiences, the more you’re likely to be out of tune with the emotional milieu of a social situation. And though the world of dating is usually ripe with emotions, it probably isn’t for you. You’re unlikely to express how you feel or to pick up on your dating partner’s emotions or on the emotions of others around you. And even after you’ve let someone “in” and developed trust with them, you still might not share your feelings. It just isn’t a natural priority for you.
Operating from or dealing with emotions seems impractical to you so if you’re dating a more emotionally-inclined person, you might not understand why they respond to a certain situation with the emotional response that they do. If a potential partner talks about their feelings all of the time, you might get frustrated because it’s not how you’re used to processing information about the world and unless you’ve had adequate life experience, coming up with an appropriate in-the-moment response may just not feel natural. And if this happens enough, you might find that you lack patience for feelings altogether.
Similarly, more emotionally-inclined individuals may not understand your need for practicality and may interpret it as a lack of care. Spending time with someone who too speaks the language of logic, or at the very least someone who doesn’t misinterpret your logical nature as a sign of coldness or insensitivity, will be a relief for you. But don’t simply overlook a potential partner because of their “illogical nature” or “subpar intellect”. Give them the benefit of the doubt. You never know the connection that might arise.
The relationship is like a project.
To you, the relationship– like your other life endeavors– is a project that requires strategy and planning to ensure that it runs smoothly, successfully, and efficiently. As a natural solution seeker and visionary, you are always considering ways to improve the relationship you’re in.
If there is a problem in need of solving, you are there! In fact, one of the ways that you show love is by solving problems for your partner and for the relationship. You’re unlikely to serenade your partner and leave rose petals all over the bedroom floor but for the right person, your problem-solving abilities and desire to never let yourself and your partner down will be all the romantic gesture they need. Some crusaders, as a matter of fact, can be very thoughtful and dedicated to making sure the relationship ensues for the long term.
It’s about each of you reaching your highest potential.
You love to learn and you’re all about becoming the best you can be. The relationship, then, is another vehicle for your learning and personal advancement. It’s really about each of you developing to your best potential as individuals and thereby creating a stronger relationship together. “I love knowing that I always have my person there for me, like a home base. I can go and learn and grow and explore, and be my own person and do my own thing and at the end of the day, he is there waiting for me,” expressed Karina R, a female Crusader.
You like to be in charge.
You’re a natural leader and you love being in charge and in control. In a relationship, this often means that you gravitate to making many of the decisions, taking the relationship reins in your own hands. As you embrace the natural leader that you are, you’ll find it refreshing to be in the company of someone who values and respects your rationale and decision-making ability and someone who strongly requests and takes your input into account when making decisions that affect the both of you. “I don’t like that [marriage] can give off a vibe of “man takes the lil lady from her family” when in my eyes it’s the bringing together of two equal partners,” expressed Edna Y., a female Crusader, when asked what, if anything, doesn’t appeal to her about marriage. At the end of the day, it’s this equality and mutuality that is a core tenet of relationship success for you. And when it comes to decision making, it’s much easier to accomplish mutually with someone who 1) also bases much of their decision-making more so on logic and fact than on emotion, 2) is content with not always being in the dominant leadership role themselves, and 3) gives you enough control so that you feel like the natural leader that you are.
With your incredible intellect and logical nature, you have an exceedingly strong conviction in what you believe to be the correct decision, path, or answer. This arouses within you a palpable need to be right. Someone who can let you be right without sacrificing their own voice, needs, and preferences (which may result in problems in the relationship down the line) might be a great fit for you as you explore the relational terrain of 1) setting your self-confidence aside to listen to and consider your partner’s ideas, and 2) being okay living in the gray area between right and wrong from time to time, easing up just a little bit on your desire to be right all of the time.
You’re straightforward about what you want.
You tell your partner what you want in a clear and straightforward manner and you expect the same in return, whether inside or outside of the bedroom. This leaves little room for guessing about whether your or your partner’s needs will be satisfied or not. Just as with many of your professional and other undertakings in life, this guarantees that you get the outcome that you want.
It helps you get out of your head.
Your mind is so naturally active and sex can be a way to give it a break, if you let it. For sex to be something that has the potential to give your brain a break, you’ve got to be able to justify the act in your mind. So you’ll often do it with a partner with whom you’ve reached a certain level of comfort and familiarity, and whom you respect (both of which are easily-justifiable qualities in your mind), or not at all.
Intellectual stimulation is an aphrodisiac.
Though sex can help you get out of your head, attraction very much begins in your head. A mental connection with your partner will give you a healthy sex life and sex in turn will enrich your mental connection. When you respect and admire someone’s mind, you’ll find that your attraction levels skyrocket as they might for the Connector through a deep emotional connection.
Being intellectually understood and stimulated is a turn on for you. Compliments on their personality or book choice (subtly creating an emotional connection– that’s the Connector’s forté) or an accidental grazing of their knee or shoulder (letting your body do all the talking– that’s the Activator’s forté) isn’t your go-to flirting behavior. Flirting with natural intellect, through clever remarks or fascinating bits of information, for instance– that’s the name of your game!
The mental challenge of creating a mutually pleasurable experience with your partner, whether through research or personal experience, and of keeping your mind actively engaged in the endeavor, can absolutely feed your thirst for knowledge. “Sex, for me, is often as much (or more!) mental than physical. Yes, there is no denying the physical pleasure that can come from the mechanics of the act itself. But for me, I need to be connected to my partner and to the act. My brain is my most complex sexual and intimate organ – it needs to be involved and engaged,” expressed Maya P., a female Crusader.
And though many Crusaders will be drawn to a conventional, simple sexuality and won’t complain if touch is absent for a while, some can be quite explorative and imaginative, taking their natural dominating qualities into the bedroom to direct and seduce their partner into submission.
The HealthType classifications can be a wonderful way to understand yourself and the people in your life better as you navigate the terrain of friendship, dating, romantic relationship, love, and sex.
As you use these classifications to understand yourself and the people with whom you share this life better, remember that each type represents a tendency, not an absolute. And while there are six HealthTypes, there is only one of you. No one person is the same as another, and no one relationship is the same as another. Who you are as a friend, dating, relationship, or sexual partner is a function of your HealthType, and also your culture, conditioning, environment, past experiences, your current state of mind, and your current state of heart.
Want to know more about creating fulfillment in dating, in sex, and in love based on your HealthType? Want to suggest a blog or workshop topic? Leave us a comment below!
Look for my article on “The Secrets To Creating a Successful Crusader Relationship” coming soon!